What Do I do with the Love?

friendshipbreakup

What do you do with the love when you come to the end of a relationship?  What happens to all the love that you’ve accumulated over the years of endless phone conversations,  financial bail-outs, late-night phone calls when you can’t sleep, boyfriend break-up, divorces, pitch hit baby-sitter when you have that appointment that you absolutely must attend and who could forget that girlfriend who knows just what to say to you before you jump off the building?  She has been to your go to person.  She is your S.I.C. or G.I.C. sister in charge or girlfriend in charge.  You can’t imagine navigating a life without her.  After all you talk to her more than you talk to your own husband.  I, too had a SIC.  As I write this, I can’t believe that I’m giving voice to the emptiness in my heart. I truly don’t know what to do with the love that I still have.

I don’t claim to know everything about women.  But, I’ve been around a few and I’ve heard tales of broken friendships and how one friend betrayed another.  We’ve all experienced or know someone who has crossed the lines with a boyfriend or husband that you’ve trusted.  But, the betrayal of a friendship when someone has walked so closely with you is the ultimate in betrayal.  In the beginning you looked for signs of deceit, you may have even tested her loyalties, and you even dared trusted her around your “man” yet she passed with flying colors.  Because of your insecurity you may have tested her periodically until one day you are convinced she is tried and true.  So you relax.  Years go by and the friendship is consistent.  There may be some minor hiccups, but this is your sister/friend and you’re able to move on without skipping a beat.  You and your sister friend are so interwoven together that others accept her because of your love for her.  In fact, there have been  times where other women have become jealous and tried to threaten or manipulate your relationship.  But, you two were smart, you even saw through that.  You both dared to be different. You prided yourself on not being “female”, manipulative or catty.  You’ve even spoken to your lesser friends on how to be the perfect sister/friend.  So how could this relationship go wrong?

If truth is to be told, many women have hidden agendas.  And if you are a female you may recall a time when it was you.  When I started Leading Ladies it was out of a desire to truly connect women together.  It was to demystify that we couldn’t trust each other.  I wanted a group of women who could be honest with each other and table and be able to walk away and come back as if nothing ever happened because we are GROWN WOMEN!  Sadly, my attempts were not accomplished.  I took a solemn oathe to be real with these women and I can tell you honestly, I didn’t know what that meant at the time.  I found myself opening up more than I ever wanted to.  You see there are some things I would love to just keep in the closet.  Little by little the Lord started picking me to share certain things.  I hadn’t planned on being that candid.  I wanted to expose these women to something new, but God wanted to expose me to something new.  He reminded me that I couldn’t get these women to trust each other if they couldn’t trust me.  So I opened, and I poured.  I exposed my feelings, my thoughts, my life, my marriage and my career.  It was the greatest lesson in growth and development that I continue to glean from today.  I pledged myself to any of these women who were willing to let me into their lives.  My single goal was to truly be a sister/friend.  I’m not perfect, but I can go to the creator knowing that this one thing I did well.  My favorite saying is that if there is anyone that will be wrong in the relationship, it won’t be me.  I practice intentionally on being a sister/friend.  I support, I show-up.  I study and learn my role.  I embody sister/friend in my relationships and one such lady was a benefactor of it.  I GAVE HER ME!

I have lived in my head most of my life.  It’s a place that I have found refuge from being an awkward child.  In my head I could be anyone but me.  But it was her, that showed me that life exists outside of my head.  My sister/friend came to me when I needed someone to hold up my world.  I didn’t even know that I was juggling the world.  It was my normal.  She graciously walked into my life and said, “God said for me to be your armour-bearer.”  I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but I got the jist of it.  Slowly she began to show me that there is someone you can trust with your soul.  I learn to share mine with hers.  Years of pain and hurt that I didn’t know I had began to be peeled away.  I became naked with my dreams and my fears.  Her ears heard many of my triumphs and struggles.  Never once, did she give me a hint of any negative energy in anything I said or did.  She also made me want to be a better friend.

I recalled the day that I told her that my mom would die.  These were her  next words,”I’M ON MY WAY” as I type this post my eyes are filled with tears because they were the most healing words that I think I have ever heard.  All I know is that I needed her there.  She was there with me when my mother took her last breath.  That’s what sister/friends do.  That’s what she does.  She had mastered such a level of understanding me that was simply AMAZING.  She was God’s gift to me or my armour-bearer and she once said.  I can fill an entire book of what this lady means to me.  I am intimately aware of what gifts come from God and how they are to be respected and treated.  I would never discount and devalue the love that was given to me.  I know that God was the source and she was the vehicle.

So what happens when the relationship has ended?  When this person has hurt you so deeply and they have managed to show you what you have been afraid of all your life; losing love. And that your love doesn’t count.  How does your betrayed heart beat with a new rhythm?  How do you navigate the world with her?  What happens when you need oxygen and she was the one that put the oxygen mask on you?  Who do you call in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep and she answers the phone like she was anticipating your call?  Who will you tell your husband secrets to when the world advises you to keep your marriage private?  For me, this person doesn’t exist anymore. Some would say our  “season” was up. I would never be convinced of this.  She knows and I know that this was not how our friendship was to go down.  There was nothing Godly in this breakup.  And for those who says seasons change, I would offer that they do, but there is always seasons to replant.

That brings me back to what do I do with the love?  Despite the hurt and the pain my love still remains.  I love her today as I did last year.  I wish and pray the best.  She will always be one of the greatest part of me. I have a love that deserves to be shared.  It’s a love that I crave to experience for myself.

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