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What Label Is On The Bag You’re Carrying?

bags

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel the weight of the world is upon your shoulders?  You have way too much to carry this day and someone walks in and says, can I share this with you.  You know from the last syllable that came out of their mouth, the answer should be no.  However, you say politely yes, because anything else would make you Un-Christian or not Nice.  You have been taught that good girls are nice and nice girls are good.  I often see women carry the workload, burdens and cares of so many others and yet they are surprised why they cannot manage the problems of their own.  The management systems that they have set up for others never includes them.  The protocols to love yourself, be kind to yourself and receive to yourself was never written in.

I was one of those women (still in recovery).  If you tell me your problems, your dreams or your impossibilities I am able to see past all the obstacles and teach you how to maneuver past them.  I am good at visioneering other people’s life.  After all I’m analytic and an astute researcher.  My entire adult life has been assessing one situation from the next and finding out the missing parts.  It is what makes me good at work and ineffective at allowing things to progress through the natural course.  I’m good at figuring things out. There have been times that I’ve been so preoccupied with the events of someone else’s life that I didn’t nurture the events of my own life.  So when I tell that I love carrying the bags of others it is not to be a servant/leader, it is to ignore my life.  Life for me is a spectator sport.  I love to sit and observe the lives of others.  For many it’s being nosey, but not so for me, I am truly an observer and a fixer.  Olivia Pope doesn’t have anything on me.  My career has taught me much about problem solving and I am the go to person for  my family and friends.  They often tell me that I always seem to have the answer.  Now, I am inclined to agree with many that I am just that good.  But, the truth of the matter is that if I can find the missing parts in your life and help you connect your dots, then somewhere I matter.

All of us on planet earth seek validation in some area.  I just choose to carry  the load for others.  What’s shocking about this is that I’m not an easily approachable person.  At least by the looks on my face, I’m told.  But, in me there resides a truth that many people connect to.  I’m very transparent.  I live intentionally and for the most part, I don’t change.   And it’s  not that tell all my business.  In fact, I’m deeply private.  But, there is very little pretense in me.  In my former job, co-workers would always gravitate to my desk to tell me some of the most deepest secrets, escapades and darkest sins. I held them all in.   What had not occurred to me is that for  years I carried their burdens.  I am much to strong of a personality to show it, but I held onto these bags of people as comfort.  I always felt powerless when I couldn’t fix their lives or problems.  The weight of this had  become such a problem for me that in the last few years if someone said can I share something with you, I, added more weight.

I found myself on the corner of despair.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I felt heavy all the time.  Then, the fatigue set in.  I felt guilty that I didn’t have drama in my life so many people shared.  But I felt like I had been through several divorces, family members on drugs, unemployment, sickness and disease and betrayal to name a few.  But, thankfully, none of these were my portion at the time.  It was the burdens of others.  Slowly the walls of my mildly perfect life began to crumble.  I didn’t have the strength to carry my own bags.  I was depleted and bankrupt.  All the deposits I had made in the life of others didn’t grow any interest in the bank account of my life.  In fact, I had overdrawn on life completely that when my world spiraled, I couldn’t cope.

When you board a plane the flight attendant gives you the safety features of the aircraft.  They also tell you in case of an emergency to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.  That’s it!  I had failed to put on my own oxygen mask.  Like a flood, every negative thing that could happen came fast forward in my life.  Death, sickness, business and personal failure, separation, and an attack on my son was my new normal.  Each day started out with what dragon I was going to slay. The attack was so heavy.   I prayed for strength and it seemed as if my prayers went on deaf ears.  I knew God was listening, but I didn’t know if he was speaking to me.  It was the darkest hour in my life and I wanted death to relieve it.  I never contemplated suicide, but I know what wanting to die feels like.  I thought no one has ever experienced this level of pain.  Sadly to0 many others do and much worse than that of what I experienced.  When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.  I dared not question God, why, but I wanted to.  I just needed to know how long the pain would last. My suffering finally came to halt when one night I found myself in the middle of my living room floor screaming at the top of my lungs, “I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!”  It was the most horrific cry that I have ever cried.    My emotional pain had become physical pain.  I needed it to end and I needed to end right now.  I asked God to not allow anything more on me than I could bear.  I WAS DONE!   It was at my lowest, that I realized that I had surrendered.

It never occurred that during my 2 years of process that I was still holding bags.  I was still carrying bags of  pain in my stomach, grief on my back, disappointment in my eyes, hurt in my heart, fear in my walk,  unworthiness on my head and guilt in my two hands and unforgiveness in my veins.  Only God could free my life of torture.  My restoration didn’t take place overnight.  Healing is not an event, it is a process.  My journey is taking me the scenic route.  It is putting me at the foot of the cross.  I find that it is the only place where I can lay down my ego and begin to trust him.  I’m learning the hardest lesson and that is to trust him more and more each day.  I would love to tell you that I have made it the finish line.  But, the strong willed, don’t-need-nobody person still lives in me and has yet to be crucified.  My submission to God hasn’t created full crucifixion yet, so I remain in process. I remain hopeful.  He is faithful to perform all the necessary training that I need day by day and experience by experience.  The good news is he will do it for you.  On the cross he whispered my name.  Who wouldn’t serve a God like this?

Organic Sista

Comments

  1. I love it. I am waiting on the book that resides in you.

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